What I Mean When I Say I’m Lonely

Here’s the thing. I’m not mad at anybody for not understanding what I go through on a daily basis. Everybody has their own struggles and their own issues. I understand that. What hurts is when I say I’m lonely and isolated, and I want to explain what this feels like, people always rush to commiserate. And for a moment I think, maybe I’m not the only one living in a black hole, in this box of nothingness. People say, ‘reach out’, ‘tell someone when you’re hurting’ and I think ok, that sounds easy enough. The lonely ones will get my language. They’ll know what to look for when I’m being swallowed up by the echoes of my walls. My townhouse has a lot of them. The hardwood floors and cascading ceilings make the sounds of nothingness worse. Especially at night. You see, not having a family and no one to talk to day after day makes the walls and ceilings absorb silence in a way you can only imagine if you live alone. If you’ve lived alone for years as I have. I have 3 kids and I was married for 11 years. The loneliness you feel when surrounded by people, particularly children and a spouse is nothing like the loneliness you feel when you are utterly alone. When you are the only one in the house. I’ve lived it; it’s worlds apart. And I’m starting to resent when people try to compare their loneliness to mine. It’s not the same at all. If it were, people would have known I was in trouble last night when I was suicidal and hurting. They would have reached out instead of ignoring me and shutting me down. I felt completely abandoned by the universe and it really hurt. But then I realized that if I were going to survive this bout with loneliness, I had to talk to myself the way I always talk to my friends when they need me. So that’s what I did all night. It wasn’t easy. I tweeted and stayed online. I didn’t let myself sleep. I knew if I went to sleep, I wouldn’t wake up. I just kept telling myself affirming messages as if I were encouraging a friend who was in trouble. I cried a lot, because I was hurt that no one was there. But I kept telling myself I could do it. And soon enough the rain ended and the morning came. I had made it through the night alhamdulillah. I took my medicine and slept most of the day. In the evening I started to feel better. It’s night now and I’m still not out of the woods. But I’m recovering. I never want to have to do that again. But I know now that I can if I need to. But also I want people to stop telling me they understand loneliness because they really don’t. I’m still waiting to find someone who does.