Rumination: My Brain on Love After Divorce

To feel like you’ll never be in love again (even though it’s not necessarily true) is a crushing feeling. It’s an intrusive thought. It’s your OCD ruining things. It’s rumination trying to take over where you paroxetine leaves off.

At night, when I’m at my loneliest, my brain tells me I’m unworthy of romantic love. It taunts me and says I’m ugly, fat, undesirable, etc. I try to ignore these cruel and unrelenting thoughts, but it isn’t easy. The silence is even worse. It’s so deafening. I have to press my hands to my ears to block out the sounds of the voices telling me I’ll never get another chance at warmth and happiness. Sometimes I make counter noises and sing loudly, just to drown out the negative stuff. I want to talk back to the voices. I want to tell them I’m a good person.

My intrusive thoughts keep me up at night. Though it’s gotten much better, I still struggle with the feeling that I won’t feel love ever again. I have doubts about my current reality. Does anyone care about me? Do people know I’m alive? Will I die alone? Am I loved by Allah and His creation? Have I slipped into obscurity? What if I never meet The One?

If you’ve always lived with your significant other then these intrusive thoughts will seem foreign to you. OCD itself will seem like something ‘other’ as well. It’s hard to imagine the loneliness of living by oneself with psychosis and psychological trauma. With disorders that rob you of your sanity.

When you add loss of love to the mix, it gets even more complicated. I try to remain upbeat and keep myself occupied. I tell myself that whatever happens, I’ll be alright.

I’ve learned how to weather the loneliness at night and how to keep my brain occupied even when I sleep. And my medications are working better these days, thankfully. Will I ever find romantic love again is a question for God, and not for me. But I’m anxiously awaiting the answer. Until then, I sit in silence in the dark and tackle my rumination alone.

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