DID

I raced to call my psychiatrist when I saw this:

Heading – 46/112. Your dissociative identity disorder test result, dot dot dot.

Your result is high risk.

Your results are highly consistent with dissociative identity disorder.

This wasn’t surprising at all and in fact it was a relief. At first. This is my coming out story. I, Karen Michelle Kaiser, have DID.

It’s a result of c-ptsd, and I’ve had it since childhood. Thank you in advance for listening.

I’m nervous to talk about this topic because I don’t know anything about it. I do remember that I used to dissociate when I was a child. I’d daydream for hours on end and get stuck in my head. I couldn’t get out. By the end of the day, I’d have spent hours dreaming up imaginary scenarios and I didn’t know where the time went. It felt like a hypnagogic hallucination that I couldn’t escape from. There were bright colors and strange sounds. It happened on a daily basis.

I could dissociate like this no matter where I was or what I was doing. Sometimes I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. I’d have to pull myself out of the scenarios and force myself to stay in the present. It was often a chore. Even now I can separate my psyche like this if I want to.

There are three distinct people that makeup who I am, I’ve come to realize. Karen, Sakinah and Michelle.

Karen

Karen is the person who I was born as. She is who went to church and sang in the choir. Karen played the piano and studied ballet, tap and jazz. Karen was a swimmer and a lifeguard. Karen tells people what to do. She is a teetotaler and a teacher. She is a black and white thinker. She can’t accept mistakes. She is a consummate perfectionist. She is the ultimate establishment “Karen”…

Michelle

Michelle is who I always wanted to be. I remember being 10 years old and thinking to myself that I’d prefer to be called by a prettier, softer name. I liked my middle name better than “Karen”. In my mind, I became Michelle. It was a Black name. I saw myself as Michelle from then on…

Sakinah

Sakinah is the Muslim me. She is god inspired peace and tranquillity. She came into existence formally at the age of 21 but informally at the age of nine. Or so. I’ve always been Sakinah. I’ve always had a sense of tranquility about me and this name suits me so people might say. I’m bubbly and easygoing. Slow to anger (before the mental illness) Sakinah is the main me…

People ask me what name I prefer to be called and I’m always confused. Now I know why. I can use Karen or Sakinah per my did issue. I prefer Sakinah because I’m trying to integrate these personalities. But any name will do. This is new territory for me so please be patient

And please be prepared for me to mess up sometimes. Thank you 🙏🏽

UPDATE…

DID II

What’s in a name?

Karen

This is the name my father gave me. I’m proud of it and it means pure. I didn’t know any Black Karen’s growing up and I didn’t have a sense of self because of the DID symptoms. My brain made me feel worthless about this name however, and my body followed suit. When people teased me and said I wasn’t “something” enough, I equated that with my first name. My psyche split and I became “Michelle” until I was comfortable with “Karen”.

Michelle

She is pretty. She is confident. She is gregarious. She is hypomanic, happy and grandiose. Michelle can do anything she sets her mind to. She is given to psychosis…

Sakinah

She is moderate and even tempered. She has and sets limits. She is bipolar and willing to take her meds. She enjoys sobriety and stability.

January 3, 2022 0

Drowning In Bottles: My Muslim Story Of Addiction And Substance Use Disorder – MuslimMatters.org

With alcohol addiction, I’ve experienced acute intoxication, extreme drunkenness and poisoning. I don’t like to think about how many times I’ve had alcohol poisoning because my behavior was so self-sabotaging.. Hopefully now I’m taking much better care of myself. And I don’t have the need to tempt fate or see how much punishment my body can handle. Overdosing hurts. And I’m never sure if the last time will be my “last time”. I don’t want to keep thumbing my nose at Allah’s mercy without realizing how many times I’ve been saved before.
— Read on muslimmatters.org/2020/08/17/drowning-in-bottles-my-muslim-story-of-addiction-and-substance-use-disorder/

December 12, 2021 0

Taking Psych Meds as Prescribed

I don’t think I’ve ever really taken medicine from the pharmacy the way it was intended. I know I never read the package inserts. Or I rarely do so, I should say. Recently I had a chance to attend the Maryland DUR (drug utilization review) board meeting held virtually in my area. It was eye opening re: pharmacy procedures and protocols, and also alerted me to what I didn’t notice about my own pharmaceutical issues.

When you get a prescription filled, there’s typically a ton of paperwork involved. You may have a paper script from your dr., you’ll need to fill out intake forms at the pharmacy when it’s your first time there, and you have to wade through lengthy insurance processes to get certain medications authorized. The last thing you want to do is read anymore papers or research how to take your meds properly.

When I’m given my medication bottles, I tend to throw away the package inserts and only handle the physical bottles. What I didn’t realize is that by doing this, I was missing vital information about how to take my pills. Additionally, without a regular consult from my prescribing physicians or the pharmacist, it’s been hard for me to recognize the importance of label reading/following the directions.

Lately I’d been noticing a recurrence in my bipolar symptoms. And I also saw an increase in other negative behaviors associated with my chronic health conditions. It was concerning to me and my support team. Then I realized that part of the problem is how I’m taking my medicine, and my adherence, or lack thereof, to the strict guidelines given with each medication.

So, I pulled out all my pill bottles and decided to read the labels. Boy was it enlightening. Take, for example, Ritalin or methylphenidate. On the back of my bottle it reads, “take this medicine 1/2 to 1 hour before meals.” And, “Check with your doctor or pharmacist to make sure it is safe for you to take this drug with all of your other drugs.” I never knew I was supposed to do this.

With my buspirone, the front of the bottle says, “take 1 tablet by mouth 2 times per day.” And on the side of the bottle there’s a table that indicates I should take one tablet in the morning and one in the evening. Until this morning, I’d never seen that part of the medication label. I’d never put together what two times per day meant. After reviewing all of my medicines, I knew that my symptom issues largely had to do with incomplete compliance with directions.

Part of me is annoyed that it took this long for me to figure this out. And part of me knows that this is a better late than never situation. Had I not attended the DUR meeting, I wouldn’t have thought about reviewing my medication history and going through my supplies. Sometimes it takes an event outside of your control to help get you back on track. In my case, it was an educational event I attended for the purposes of my advocacy work. So this turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

December 6, 2021 0

Getting Med Refills Each Month as a Disabled Person

As a patient living with multiple chronic, mental and physical illnesses, it can be a challenge to receive your medication on time each month. One issue faced by people is how the doctor chooses to fill the prescription; monthly or every 90 days. Each option means you have to keep track of your meds and remember when you last filled them so you can keep up with the script schedule.

Another issue you may face is wait times at the pharmacy. Due to covid and distancing procedures, getting your meds can take twice as long as it did in the past. And even calling your pharmacy on the phone can be a daunting task. Pharmacy staff is often overwhelmed by customers in person and on phone lines which causes everyone to wait longer. It’s understandable, but frustrating.

Some doctors choose to e-file your scripts while others still rely on giving patients hard copies of their hand written prescriptions. This causes more lag time for patients and ultimately ends up in longer wait times at the pharmacy. The goal should be to minimize stress for those who are already dealing with a lot, not to bog them down in minutiae and red tape.

Those patients who take multiple medications often need pill minders and med calendars to help monitor their monthly intake of medicines. Otherwise it can get confusing as to what they’ve taken and when. One tip given by a local pharmacist is to keep your empty pill bottles each month (in a safe case) so you have the dates when last filled and any necessary med information needed in order to remind yourself when to next fill the scripts.

Do you have challenges filling your meds each month? You can always ask questions, at the pharmacy, at your doctor’s office, and whenever you feel you need more information. Getting your medicine shouldn’t be confusing. It should be a smooth process and one which facilitates part of your medical care.

October 22, 2021 0

Bipolar and Menopause, UPDATE

I’m on my millionth night of little to no sleep, and I just started singing to myself, “this manic moment…” to the tune of Ben E King and The Drifters’ iconic song. It’s the middle of summer, and my mania seems everlasting. What began as hypomania in the middle of the spring, has turned into full blown mania that won’t quit.

Usually, I can get a handle on things and the hypomania dies down long before this point. But this time its spinning out of control and I can’t seem to get my meds in synch with my moods. It’s frustrating.

Adding to the confusion is the onset of menopause and my thyroid disorder. I have a nodule which is wreaking havoc with my mental and physical health. The thyroid nodule is increasing my night sweats, anxiety, irritation and hyperactivity. And so is the change of life. It’s like a double dose of hormones and agitation thrown at me all at once. I feel like I can’t cope.

My brain is going haywire. Sometimes I’m not sure which emotion to use for a scenario or which facial expression. I notice myself singing a lot more, loudly, and laughing at inappropriate times. This is all troubling.

So what to do about this dilemma? Well, I’ve made an appointment with a new therapist and I have a new sleep doctor and neurologist as well. I will be discussing these issues with those specialists and asking for their guidance. I also need to work on my sleep hygiene and diet. But for that, I need to the help of a nutritionist or dietitian. My eating disorder has also been affected by these illnesses.

I’m not daunted by everything that’s happening but I am appropriately concerned. But as long as I keep in touch with my doctors and have a solid support system, things should work out just fine.

July 8, 2021 0

Bipolar Disorder and Menopause

I’ve had bipolar disorder for as long as I can remember. But only recently did I start experiencing the symptoms of menopause; early menopause, in fact. I’m learning how to manage the two together, and let me tell you, it isn’t easy.

Bipolar is an illness which makes it harder for you to tolerate stress. And also stress brings on the symptoms of bipolar disorder. It’s such a conundrum. Being menopausal is a stressful situation. Your body is changing, you are experiencing fluctuating hormones and moods, and you’re having hot flashes.

All of this can make you susceptible to a manic, depressive or mixed episode, which you have to address in addition to the menopause symptoms. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

One thing that’s helping me is to chart my symptoms and notice which condition they correspond to. I note my meds and how I’m taking them and also my sleep patterns. It’s a lot of work. The things that have changed the most are my appetite and my sleep. I’m either ravenous or not interested in eating at all. And I’m not sleeping well.

Menopause keeps me tossing and turning all night long. This is disastrous for me because for me because it’s adding to my anxiety and mania. I can’t seem to get a handle on the elevated moods because I can’t sleep. Sometimes I’ll go two days without resting. I’m both exhausted and wired.

What I’ve decided to do is roll with the punches and not fight my body. It’s tempting to try and actively manage this, however I’m willing myself to just relax. It’s similar to what I do with my ocd and intrusive thoughts. In the same way I don’t fight against my ruminating brain, I don’t force myself into recovery mode. Slowly, things are easing up, and lately I’ve been able to catch a few naps here and there.

Meditation is another coping skill I’m learning to use. I’m checking in with myself more often and learning how to access mindfulness techniques. This helps me to sit with confusing feelings and negative ideas. I notice this is effective for my suicidal ideation too. Ideation which is seeming to subside these days.

One positive thing about experiencing menopause at 46 is that I feel more confident and sure of myself. I’m used to weathering my ever changing brain, and somehow adding aging issues to the mix makes me feel more empowered. I believe it’s because I’m doing this as a single parent. I’m realizing how capable I truly am.

Bipolar and menopause are a fiery mix. Though things are up and down with my moods, overall, this challenge has been a great learning experience. I wouldn’t change anything, well, except for getting more sleep. But I guess we could all use that.

July 2, 2021 0

Recovery from gaslighting and emotional abuse

I never believe anything anyone says anymore. To me everything is a lie or a trick. It’s at my expense. This is what my brain tells me every day. “They hate you!” “This is just like last time!?” “Remember you fell for this before” “That couldn’t be true”…

It’s exhausting. Sometimes I find myself talking out loud to the negativity. “Don’t listen!” “You’re a good person” “La la la la” the last one said with my fingers shoved in my ears.

Yes Eventually this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If you react to negativity in a strange way, people will indeed hate you. So my paranoia seems to be justified.

I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t like this. On edge, hypervigilant, irritated, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I can’t take much more of the tension, I need a healthier way to deal with brain stress.

So far, I’ve only identified the problem: gaslighting and trauma. Emotional abuse as well. But I haven’t started healing yet because I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know how to let down my guard and trust people.

I’ve decided I don’t want to be reactive any longer because it’s so harmful. I think the best way to create new habits is to create a ptsd plan for emergencies. Once a dr told me to make note cards with sample responses to my stressors. And to keep them with me at all times as a reminder.

I’m realizing I can do this and feel empowered. This removes the fear factor in my mind. I don’t even have to take the cards out and look at them. Just knowing I have a plan and that I’m not unprepared makes me feel better.

The only way I’ll be able to trust again is to try. I have to step out on faith and hope for the best. Healing from emotional abuse takes work and time. I’m willing to put in both to make things better.

June 16, 2021 0

Allies

I am a person living with chronic and mental illnesses. I didn’t plan this, and I often don’t know how to manage this lifestyle. I research things a lot, and I cry a lot more. I also make dua.

When my mom was living, I had a sounding board and a confidante. I also had a friend. My mom guided me through my life and helped me parent with mental illness. Now I turn to my father and sometimes my friends. I also lean heavily on my mentors for support.

To me, an ally is someone who cares and is there for you throughout your life. They are someone who can help you handle your feelings and your situation. An ally is a person who steps in and asks what they can do to help. They are someone who notices a problem and decides to pitch in.

When you are an ally, you don’t pick that title for yourself. It’s a role and an unspoken relationship between you and another person/community. It’s learniny how to hold space for someone and their feelings. It’s not centering yourself, while at the same time, making sure not to diminish your own needs and such. Being an ally is challenging because while you are a helper, you have to know how to be emotionally sound and develop proper boundaries.

You have to know when to step in and when to step back. You have to know how to ask people what they need and how to listen. Being an ally is about active and passive listening skills. You also have to forgive yourself in the beginning and throughout, for the times you will and do make mistakes.

As a person who needs allies, I am learning to ask for help and to forgive myself for my own mistakes. This is a work in progress but I’m happy to be on the road to wellness with good friends, and true allies.

February 11, 2021 0

What Life is Like on Disability

The reality is it isn’t easy. By the time you’re actually approved for disability you’re usually destitute. There’s no other way to put it. Even if you get a large sum of back pay, you’ve exhausted your savings and built up so many medical bills and other expenses that by the time you see your check, it’s all but spent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to be able to sustain myself with what I receive from social security. And to know that I can also write on the side and teach students in my spare time to keep myself busy when I’m feeling up to it makes me happy. But none of these things create a windfall for me. I’m scraping by every month and barely surviving. If it weren’t for my mosque supporting me with zakat (charity), and help from my ex-husband occasionally, I wouldn’t make it. The thing is I used to have money. When I was married, things were fine. Better than fine, actually. But getting sick ruined my finances. And I haven’t been able to get myself together ever since. It’s like I’m treading water every month. I’ve often mentioned my issues with eating and my disordered patterns, but frankly, sometimes I just don’t have the money for groceries. So I don’t eat, simple as that. Everybody I know on disability is in a similar position. No matter how much they receive. They all tell me that their initial savings went quickly and they have trouble managing on what they receive each month. It’s really challenging. But nevertheless, I am still grateful for the fact that I have health insurance and some semblance of a paycheck. Things will get better. They always do. And my writing has already been helping me so much lately. So I can’t complain. I just wish more people were understanding of my situation. It’s hard struggling in silence. I feel like I’m alone in what I’m going through, until I remember those dealing with the same situation. That helps me not dwell on my problems and feel so sad. I’m eagerly awaiting the day when I don’t have to decide between paying a bill and buying a meal for the day. Then I’ll be able to focus solely on my emotional and mental well-being, and spending more time with my kids. It’s coming, I can feel it… 🙂

May 9, 2017 8

A letter to my friend mental illness

Dear BP,

Hi, how are you? How have you been? I’ll admit I’m a little nervous writing to you because I don’t want you to think I’m asking to see you. And I don’t want you to think about me and decide to visit. I’m just not ready to be around you. But I did want to check in with you since you’ve been relatively quiet lately. If you recall, it’s been about six months since we spoke. Well formally anyway. I see your posts online from time to time but I never comment. I think we were last together at the hospital, right? That particular stay was a doozy! I hope I never go back. Remember that one girl who kept attacking everybody and calling us names? That was so wild.

So Ziprasidone and I are pretty friendly these days. I know how you guys feel about him, which is also why I’m staying away. But he’s good for me. I do miss our old friends though. How’s Elevated Mood doing? I hear she might be coming to town soon. I know she always heads this way in the spring for an extended visit. Ooh, maybe she’ll get to see the cherry blossoms this time. Tell her I said ‘hi’ if you talk to her. Out of everybody, I miss her the most. She can be a lot to take, but she doesn’t mean any harm. She just has a ton of energy. We always have fun when we’re with each other. I wouldn’t mind getting together with her for old time’s sake.

Hey, you know who I’ve been thinking about? Impulsivity. Man, we used to get into so much trouble back in the day! I’m so glad I’ve learned to love him from afar. But sometimes I like to reminisce about the things we used to do. If nothing else, to remind me what life used to be like before my health got better. Do you remember when he and I went to get matching tattoos? Goodness, it was like we couldn’t help ourselves. We just had to do it and nothing would deter us. I was shaking so much in the chair from all my nervous energy that the tattoo artist got upset. He said if I couldn’t sit still, he wouldn’t continue. Imp just laughed at me.

Afterwards I felt so ridiculous. And by then, Imp was nowhere to be found, as usual. I was embarrassed I’d let him talk me into getting the tattoo. What bothers me is I’m not even supposed to have those. It’s against my religion. But as soon as Imp started hyping up the idea, I couldn’t say no. And it came up out of the blue, so suddenly too. We didn’t think about the consequences or wonder if we’d regret doing it. This didn’t occur to either of us. All that mattered was getting that ink. To be honest, we’d been hanging out with that guy Compulsion too often back then, and we let him influence our choices. I think both Imp and I are pretty suggestible, if you ask me.

Oh my gosh, do you know what I did the other day? I decided to create a gratitude journal to remind myself of all the good things in my life that I’m grateful for. Oh BP, it’s been such a help. Every day I write about the things that make me happy and what I appreciate. You know they always taught us to do this whenever we’d go to the hospital. Well I finally got around to it. You should try it sometime. You’d love it! And maybe it will give you a better outlook on life.

Guess who I’ve been chatting with lately? Insomnia! Can you believe it? I know we used to hate each other. But we’ve since reconciled and we’re spending almost every night together. We laugh and carry on like two little old ladies. Her jokes about not sleeping are too funny. And she still loves to play pranks on me in the middle of the night, as much as she always did. That Insomnia is such a card! We really have to stop meeting up though, or I’ll get sick again. You know how that goes.

So I have to know, how’s BPD doing these days? Do you see her often? Has she gotten herself together yet? Last I heard she was ruining yet another relationship. I’m sorry to say it but I hope I never interact with her again. She and I do not get along. She makes me so mad, I can’t stand it. And we always bring out the worst in each other. It’s always all or nothing with us. Things are either great or horrible. There is no in between, it’s awful. She’s just not a good influence for me so I try to avoid her at all costs. And if you remember, I had to go to therapy partly because of her. I’m still salty about that. I’m not trying to shift blame or anything, but I can’t help thinking that if I’d never met her, my life would’ve been much less stressful and anxiety ridden.

Speaking of my cousin Anx, did you hear she had a baby? Yeah, she named her OCD. I’m not one to criticize name choices, but OCD? Ok, I have so many questions. Don’t tell my cuz 😉 But why that name? What does it even mean? That kid’s going to have a tough time in life with a name like that. Why OCD? Is it a family name? Is it symbolic in some way? I keep saying it over and over, letting it roll around on my tongue so I can get used to it. It just makes me feel so prickly inside when I say it. But I can’t stop. I’ve repeated it about 500 times now. OCD. OCD. Nope, I still can’t get used to it. It sounds strange in my head, like an echo and a hollow tinny sound all at the same time. Oh wait; I’m getting fixated again. Don’t mind me. You know I do this sometimes. It’s gotten better, but I still slip now and then. My brother Buspirone has been helping me overcome it. He’s been such a blessing. He has his moments, like everybody, but overall I’ve loved having him around. I wish I had told him sooner that I needed his help.

You know, Depression has been on my mind a lot lately. I can’t help thinking about him and wondering if he’ll ever get better. He just seems so lost sometimes. It’s like he lives in his own dark world where no one can reach him. I feel so badly for him. He brings everyone down with his misery, negative outlook and detachment, and he doesn’t even realize it. He’s a good guy, just misunderstood I think.

I guess you heard that Anger and I made up a few weeks ago. We decided to part ways for good, but in doing so I think we’ve reached an understanding. I’m so happy about it. I think he realized how he much he was hurting me and knew why we couldn’t see each other anymore. It’s really for the best. I sometimes get scared that I won’t find anybody else, but I’m trying to be patient. I don’t want to go back to him just because I’m lonely. It’s hard though. Being alone I mean. I can’t shake the fact that I’ll die by myself, with nobody there to notice. That thought bothers me all the time. People say ‘just be positive’. But even in doing so, I haven’t found anybody else that understood me like Ang did. A friend of mine always counsels me to accept things as they are and to look forward to better times. You know that girl Patience? The one everybody always talks about? Well she’s his best friend. I guess that’s why he’s always so calm and collected. Maybe I should meet her someday. She sounds lovely.

I’m not even going to ask about Grandiosity. He annoys me to no end. Always thinking he’s better than everybody and deciding he can do whatever he wants. He seems to think the world revolves around him. That guy is so obnoxious. And he makes me look bad when he’s around. I get sucked into his schemes and plans, and I forget who I am. But his presence is so intoxicating. You know how he is; charismatic and charming…until he completely alienates everybody with his over inflated sense of self. I’m sure I’ll run into him again soon. It’s inevitable.

Oh wow, I just realized this whole letter has been one big gossip session. Hey, maybe we both needed that. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well, BP. I don’t hate you or anything, but I need some space. I hope you can accept that. I know we’ll always be in each other’s lives. I just think it’s best if we limit our time together. Take care of yourself.

Love,

Karen

February 26, 2017 8