I never believe anything anyone says anymore. To me everything is a lie or a trick. It’s at my expense. This is what my brain tells me every day. “They hate you!” “This is just like last time!?” “Remember you fell for this before” “That couldn’t be true”…
It’s exhausting. Sometimes I find myself talking out loud to the negativity. “Don’t listen!” “You’re a good person” “La la la la” the last one said with my fingers shoved in my ears.
Yes Eventually this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If you react to negativity in a strange way, people will indeed hate you. So my paranoia seems to be justified.
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t like this. On edge, hypervigilant, irritated, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I can’t take much more of the tension, I need a healthier way to deal with brain stress.
So far, I’ve only identified the problem: gaslighting and trauma. Emotional abuse as well. But I haven’t started healing yet because I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know how to let down my guard and trust people.
I’ve decided I don’t want to be reactive any longer because it’s so harmful. I think the best way to create new habits is to create a ptsd plan for emergencies. Once a dr told me to make note cards with sample responses to my stressors. And to keep them with me at all times as a reminder.
I’m realizing I can do this and feel empowered. This removes the fear factor in my mind. I don’t even have to take the cards out and look at them. Just knowing I have a plan and that I’m not unprepared makes me feel better.
The only way I’ll be able to trust again is to try. I have to step out on faith and hope for the best. Healing from emotional abuse takes work and time. I’m willing to put in both to make things better.