Inspiration from Struggle (On being suicidal & surviving)

I told him I had no intention of sharing this story. The person who inadvertently helped save my life one night. So far, I’ve told him and no one else. I don’t like talking about this subject. But I know that it’s necessary in order to help people understand the struggle of mental illness. I’m talking about this incident both to show how humans can help one another by sharing their experiences, and to highlight suicidality.

To begin, I mentioned in another post that I mostly feel suicidal when I’m in a mixed bipolar state. A mixed state is when you are manic and depressed at the same time. Suicidality usually rears it’s ugly head during those episodes. I would estimate that I have about 2 mixed episodes per year. One night in February, I was feeling extremely low. I was totally empty and my soul felt such a void that I couldn’t stand it anymore. I thought my children would be better off without me. I actually thought they didn’t need me in their lives, and that I was like a cancer to them. It’s crazy, right? But that’s what this type of episode does to you. It clouds your thinking and makes you almost delusional.

That night I had decided that it was time for me to stop living. It wasn’t a conscious or rational thought. I just knew my time on earth was finished. I planned to jump out of my bedroom window. Even that wasn’t a full thought out thing. I just had a sense that I would take a leap at some point that night. It was over, I thought. I can’t really explain it. Anyway, I happened to have my laptop open on my bed. I remember saying my goodbye’s in my heart and silently deciding it was time. When I turned over, I glanced at my laptop screen for some reason. I saw a post about someone in prison who I had been writing to and supporting. The woman who wrote the post said that for those of us waiting for justice for the man, we had only been following his story for about 2 years; while he had been waiting for 17. In other words, we should be patient. This hit me really profoundly. I couldn’t reconcile how this person had been going through his ordeal for 17 years, yet I had only been having problems for a few years. If he hadn’t given up, how could I? At that point, I knew I couldn’t go through with my plan. It just didn’t make sense.

This was the first time something like this happened. Other times I’ve been suicidal, I went to the hospital and the doctors had to help me recover. This time, the problem resolved on it’s own after being reminded of someone else’s issues. It happened again recently, as I’ve blogged about. I don’t quite understand how. But it’s like that with mental illness. Sometimes things work out without much intervention and others, you need help from doctors and other professionals to get better. It just depends. I’m happy for how things ended up that night, and I’m happy I decided to give life another shot. My kids definitely aren’t better off without me. I know that now. Nor is my family. I’m grateful to Allah to be thinking clearly.


It happened again (On Suicidality)

I think I’m experiencing a mixed episode. I haven’t slept in 2 days and I feel pretty out of sorts. I’m not eating much either. It’s usually when I’m in a mixed state that I experience suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I can feel like I don’t want to live, however I don’t have a plan and I know I won’t hurt myself. Others, I need to get to the hospital ASAP because I feel impulsive and I know I might make a fatal mistake at any time. Currently, I still feel in control. I don’t have a plan and I don’t want to end my life. For now, I just feel bad though. Being hyper, excitable and agitated while depressed is a very unusual feeling. It’s my least favorite part of having bipolar disorder.

Yesterday, I was feeling very much like I didn’t want to be here. I was trying to be positive and think about my children, but nothing was helping. My medication was not doing anything for me either. It was awful. I was tempted to take myself to the hospital but at the same time, I was determined to tough it out. I happened to be scrolling through my twitter timeline when I saw a tweet from a friend of mine, updating people about her cancer treatment. She included a moving tumblr post about her experience. It stopped me in my tracks. Here I was, not wanting to live, (not really wanting to die though) and this pops up on my screen. I was so grateful. Reading about my friend’s ordeal made me very sad, don’t get me wrong. But it stopped the suicidal thoughts for the moment. I wanted to live and fight for my life so desperately when I read what she’s going through. It wasn’t that I was grateful to have my health or thankful to God that I’m not battling cancer, nothing like that; though that is true. But it was that I was so inspired by watching her fight to get better. I felt like, I can do that too! It was a good moment and I’m grateful to Allah that He knew how to fix my errant thought process with such a story.

This has happened once before. Me feeling like I wanted to leave the planet and then reading something which changed my thinking (I’ll talk about that in another post). Suicidality is like that. You can be so ready to go one moment, but then rational and wanting to stick it out the next. That’s one of the tragedies of suicide. When people are successful at taking their life, I wish they could know that things do get better. I wish they could realize that those bad feelings pass, and it doesn’t always feel so hopeless. Maybe if people could see to the other side of that awful emptiness and pain, they’d think twice about ending their life. Maybe. I’m addressing myself as well when I say this.

I’m happy that I don’t feel suicidal right now. And I hope that this episode passes without incident. I really don’t want to have to go to the hospital if I don’t have to. For now, I’ll try to fix things myself and talk to my therapist. But I know the hospital is there if I need it.

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