I think I’m experiencing a mixed episode. I haven’t slept in 2 days and I feel pretty out of sorts. I’m not eating much either. It’s usually when I’m in a mixed state that I experience suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I can feel like I don’t want to live, however I don’t have a plan and I know I won’t hurt myself. Others, I need to get to the hospital ASAP because I feel impulsive and I know I might make a fatal mistake at any time. Currently, I still feel in control. I don’t have a plan and I don’t want to end my life. For now, I just feel bad though. Being hyper, excitable and agitated while depressed is a very unusual feeling. It’s my least favorite part of having bipolar disorder.
Yesterday, I was feeling very much like I didn’t want to be here. I was trying to be positive and think about my children, but nothing was helping. My medication was not doing anything for me either. It was awful. I was tempted to take myself to the hospital but at the same time, I was determined to tough it out. I happened to be scrolling through my twitter timeline when I saw a tweet from a friend of mine, updating people about her cancer treatment. She included a moving tumblr post about her experience. It stopped me in my tracks. Here I was, not wanting to live, (not really wanting to die though) and this pops up on my screen. I was so grateful. Reading about my friend’s ordeal made me very sad, don’t get me wrong. But it stopped the suicidal thoughts for the moment. I wanted to live and fight for my life so desperately when I read what she’s going through. It wasn’t that I was grateful to have my health or thankful to God that I’m not battling cancer, nothing like that; though that is true. But it was that I was so inspired by watching her fight to get better. I felt like, I can do that too! It was a good moment and I’m grateful to Allah that He knew how to fix my errant thought process with such a story.
This has happened once before. Me feeling like I wanted to leave the planet and then reading something which changed my thinking (I’ll talk about that in another post). Suicidality is like that. You can be so ready to go one moment, but then rational and wanting to stick it out the next. That’s one of the tragedies of suicide. When people are successful at taking their life, I wish they could know that things do get better. I wish they could realize that those bad feelings pass, and it doesn’t always feel so hopeless. Maybe if people could see to the other side of that awful emptiness and pain, they’d think twice about ending their life. Maybe. I’m addressing myself as well when I say this.
I’m happy that I don’t feel suicidal right now. And I hope that this episode passes without incident. I really don’t want to have to go to the hospital if I don’t have to. For now, I’ll try to fix things myself and talk to my therapist. But I know the hospital is there if I need it.