Nobody really understands loneliness. At least that’s how I feel. And it’s probably different for each person. For me loneliness is like a sudden vacuum of feelings and emotions. Like the wind has been knocked out of me and I can’t breathe. It’s as if the world is spinning without me and I’m watching from inside my little bubble. I can see people going about their daily lives and routines, but I can’t join in. And that hurts more than anyone can imagine. I feel all alone in this world. Like if I were to die today, that no one would notice or miss a beat. And the pain of that realization is so crushing that sometimes I can’t stand it. People say to reach out when I’m feeling like this and to let others know I’m struggling. But that’s just it. I can’t. I can’t tell anyone how badly I’m hurting inside. I feel like I’m stuck behind a glass wall. I’m pounding on that wall with my fists, screaming to be let out, begging to be noticed. But nobody notices. Everyone just keeps walking right on by.
Everything makes my loneliness worse. Not having a family of my own, being single, living with roommates who are never home, having friends who are always busy, etc. I feel like I live on this planet alone sometimes. It’s one of the reasons I spend a lot of time on social media these days. In addition to receiving many jobs through my media outlets, I try to stave off feelings of loneliness by talking with online friends during the day. Anything to forget I don’t have what I want or need in real life to keep me occupied or engaged. Even when I do interact with people in real life, I feel this soul crushing loneliness. It is so painful. I could be in a room full of people and suddenly feel like bursting into tears. Even when I’m engaging in a conversation, in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “None of these people really understands me”. I hate that feeling. I know it may not be true. But I can’t help feeling that way. And I don’t know how to overcome it. I was thinking to join a group in my area for people who suffer from being isolated. Maybe that will help me get out of my shell and help me interact with others who are in a similar situation. I do know that people truly understand. But anxiety tells me I’m the only one feeling this way, which forces me to stay closed off.
I don’t want to wallow in my loneliness. I’ve listened to therapists who explain how to overcome this and how to feel better. And I know I’m not the only one. So I will put my best foot forward and try to reach out when I’m feeling lonely and isolated. It’s going to take so much work, but I don’t want to feel like this forever. Loneliness is the monster that has been seeking to destroy me for so long. I am determined not to let him win. It’ll be the fight of my life, but hopefully I’m up for the challenge.
I empathize with you wholeheartedly, and I too become more educated about my condition as I get older (and I am 66 and single). However, I cannot imagine the amount of stress you must be under every day as a Muslim woman, and that must add to your depression cycles and feelings of loneliness. I am certain you have sisters online who pray for you and lift you up in their hearts; please consider me one of them. ❤
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Thank you so much for your kind words!! You truly made my day 🙂
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