People say the opposite of addiction is connection. I struggle with loneliness and a feeling of not being connected a lot of the time. I also have what is known as an addictive personality. So it doesn’t come as a surprise to me that I would have developed addiction issues and alcohol dependence at a point during my life. I talk about my mental health issues every day both online and in real life. But my emotional issues I don’t address as often. I believe those issues are at the root of why I struggled with addiction when I did. And why I have an addictive personality in general. It’s why I have such a deep feeling of loneliness even when I’m in a crowded room, and why even though I have such a tight-knit, loving family, I often feel starved for attention.
I remember times back when I was deeply entrenched in my alcohol dependence or stimulant addiction. I used because I was so very lonely and sad. I reached for the bottle and/or pills back then to stave off those feelings of soul crushing loneliness. I often drank or used when I was alone. That’s the thing about my addiction. I wasn’t as much a social user as I was a lonely user. That makes me sad when I think about it; even though I’m better now. I’m sad for that person and for who she was. And even when I partied with other people, I used to excess. I drank to a point of alcohol poisoning many times in my life. I’m not proud of that. And I used pills to a point where I was scared my heart would stop or I’d have a stroke. Repeatedly. But that didn’t stop me from using. I kept doing it over and over again, for many years. I needed to numb my pain. I still do in fact. I always will, I just have found healthy outlets for my needs. And I have learned how to control my appetite for those feelings. But it hasn’t been easy.
I spend time with my friends when I can, and I talk about my feelings with those who understand. Though that is a slippery slope in and of itself. Talking about addiction too much can make me want to use again, so I have to be careful. Being around people who use or used to is hard. Because I never know how well they are and if they will backslide. And I’m always one slip away from falling into addiction again. Alcohol was easy for me to overcome. I could fall back on my religion for help with my drinking habits. There was simply no justification for me to drink anymore and I really didn’t need it; even when I was manic. So I quit cold turkey. But the pills were much harder. I absolutely needed them for my medical condition of excessive daytime sleepiness and adhd. If I don’t take them I fall into an almost narcoleptic like sleep. It happens in the spring mostly but also it’s a function of my bipolar and depression issues. So I almost can’t escape using stimulants. My neurologist practically insists on me taking them, even though he knows I have bipolar disorder. So I have had to muscle through my addiction with them. Thankfully, I overcame it, mostly on my own. I’m proud and grateful for the work I’ve done, knowing that it came easier to me than for a lot of people. For that, I give thanks to Allah and I say many prayers of gratitude.
My loneliness comes and goes. But as I make more friends, I notice I feel more connected and less alone in the world. I think a part of me will always be lonely. That’s the little girl in me that just feels sad no matter what. I accept that. It’s just a part of who I am. Writing this has helped. And meeting new people online everyday has also been a blessing. I do believe that the opposite of addiction is connection. I am working hard at staying connected and staying addiction-free for the rest of my life. As I said the other day, I love my life now. I intend to keep it that way.
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