I was feeling vulnerable. I was feeling less than pretty. I was feeling old and worn, discarded by society somehow. I needed validation in that moment. I needed acceptance and maybe a bit of ego stroking. I’m human too, after all. But I was rebuffed. I was brushed aside like my feelings don’t even matter. That really hurt. I didn’t say anything though. I never do in those situations. I don’t feel comfortable expressing when I’m feeling like I need more from people. I’m embarrassed to be so complicated. And it hurts that being ignored makes me feel so deeply wounded and unaccepted. I hate this about myself. It makes me feel so exposed and raw. So easily able to be dragged over the coals of indifference at a moments notice. So I just sat there, in the dark, in my house. And pretended everything was fine. I laughed and joked like I wasn’t dying inside. As if I didn’t want to retreat to my inner most feelings cave and never come out. I willed myself not to simply disappear. I’m still fighting the urge. Part of me wants to write and get my feelings out, and part of me wants to run and hide in a dark corner where no one can ever find me. I want to hide in shame because I hate that I need validation from others at times. I desperately want this to change. And quickly so I never have to feel this way again. So I’m never having to force myself not to walk away from the world when I don’t get what I need. Being vulnerable like this feels like a curse.
I’m starting to feel like we’re the same person! It’s scary, I could have written this, except I can’t explain my feelings as well as you
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Lol! And thank you. 🙂 Yeah it’s amazing when people can understand and feel the same things. It constantly surprises me. Thanks for reading!!
I was real vulnerable with someone before. All our scenarios constantly play in my mind over and over again. I keep coming back asking why? I thought you were interested everything pointed in that direction. And for me i don’t get comfortable with people so easily. I felt like i could be natural. Some times i regret it and others times it was an important piece of me that i had to learn and develop. My vulnerability though still hurts.